Have you ever sat there and wondered, if your significant other actually loves you or appreciates you? I was in this spot not too long ago. My fiance and I were having a rough patch as any normal couple does. My fiance was not being the best man anymore, then, of course I would get resentful and frustrated then you know… lash out because I was hurt. So, I wasn’t his lovely lady anymore; I was a grouch. Well, during this most recent rough patch, it was because my fiance ran out of his ADHD medication. His attention span, listening, thought process, and moodiness got out of control. But so, did my emotions and internal dialogue. I was completely hurt because I would ask my fiance to help me, or pick up something, he would say okay and go sit down (I had to do everything little thing which I don’t mind until I get taken for granted). I would be talking to my fiance and he wouldn’t listen, or his video games were more important than bonding with me. Don’t get me wrong though, I play a lot of video games as well but usually with him. This behavior went on for two weeks, lying to me on purchases, overspending, and insults… just overall mistreated to the point I quit wearing my ring then I was about to start packing my bags to leave. I reached out to my mother about the hurt and problems we were facing because she is supportive and dealt with ADHD; I researched blogs and everything I could. One night, I finally broke down, crying and telling my fiance I don’t feel loved by him, and I just laid on the bed in silence. There was hardly kissing, hugging, and hardly the birds and bees anymore, I felt ugly and hated. That moment opened my fianceé’s eyes and he did get a little better, but he could not overcome his ADHD.
I sound kind of selfish or like a bitch, right? A man or woman who has ADHD cannot control the racing thoughts or their attention span. I know this because I suffer from ADD. It is very hard to control. I was trying to understand the best I could because my brother had severe ADHD. I just got so worn down on the hurtful comments and my internal dialogue. I felt like the worst person ever. I felt like I was better off dead and then I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I am not the healthy happy 24-7 smiling girl you think. I have autoimmune diseases, anxiety, depression, and ADD… just to name a few. I struggle with my own battles of fatigue and pain every day, so he wasn’t understanding on my part. But… I wasn’t understanding his tiredness, work stress, and pains from doing laborious work. We all have our bad days.
This is ways to confront him/her and try to find resolutions:
- Of course get his ADHD medicine.
- I used the almighty “I” statements. “I feel sad when you get mad at me for trying to talk to you.” Or “I feel angry and resentful when I hear you say (insert concern here)”
- Sit down with no phones, tv, or distractions and spill out your feelings. Ask him to spill out his in return.
- Make a date night whether you go somewhere or stay home.
- Make time together without electronics.
- Use couples therapy worksheets. Pinterest has tons of amazing worksheets for this!
- Remember you are NOT perfect either.
- Write each other a letter if it’s too awkward to talk.
- DO NOT play the blame game and point fingers.
- DO NOT be Mrs./Mr. right all the time.
- Think about if you have changed or stopped doing lovely things as well.
I have finally realized after a while I was only looking at the bad or irritating things he started doing. By doing this, I was masking all the positives he had done even if it was something small like washing dishes. I made it a habit to always thank him and at least once a month I tell him I appreciate what he has done- like providing for us. He DESERVES it. But, don’t forget that you deserve praise too! All couples have highs and lows; how you as a couple getting through them set up how your future is like. I still write him love letters to this day to show my appreciation and this helps. I love him very much though sometimes it can be hard not to fantasize him being a “Date Line” case (I’m joking!). Let me know what works for you! Feel free to comment with any questions!
Love,
Brandi
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